EPA Allows PFAS in Water, But Establishes "Drink at Your Own Risk" Certification Program
EPA Administrator Zeldin assures the public that giving corporations until 2031 to comply with limits of toxins in water is "following the science" - specifically, the science of campaign donations.
In a bold move celebrated by chemical manufacturers nationwide, EPA Administrator Lee Zeldin announced today that enforcement of drinking water limits for dangerous "forever chemicals" will be delayed until 2031 – coincidentally the same year scientists predict humanity will develop gills to adapt to our increasingly toxic waterways.
"What we want to do is follow the science, period," declared Zeldin at a press conference held poolside at Chemours' executive retreat. "And the science clearly shows that if we wait long enough, everyone will eventually develop immunity to these chemicals. It's basic evolution!"
The EPA's new "Forever Water Plan" represents a complete reversal from the agency's previous stance during Trump's first term, when it vowed to combat PFAS contamination nationwide. But officials insist this is actually a brilliant long-term strategy.
"Look, these are called 'forever chemicals' for a reason," explained Deputy Administrator Chad Profitwell, sipping from a bottle of imported Swiss water. "So logically, we need a 'forever timeline' to address them. Rushing regulations would be irresponsible."
The plan includes several innovative approaches, including:
- Rebranding "PFAS contamination" as "bonus water nutrients"
- Establishing the "Drink At Your Own Risk" certification program
- Cutting $15 million in research grants studying PFAS in agriculture
- Replacing water testing with a simple "taste test" protocol
- Introducing a new slogan: "What doesn't kill you makes your liver... something something"
When reminded that EPA scientists during his first term had identified GenX and other PFAS chemicals as linked to cancer, kidney problems and immune system damage, Trump issued a statement: "Nobody knows water better than me. I've been drinking it my whole life. Some people say I invented water. And these chemicals? Very small. Microscopic. Can't even see them!"
The announcement has drawn criticism from environmental activists like Emily Donovan of Clean Cape Fear, whose community has been battling PFAS contamination for years. "It's one thing to say you're addressing the problem," said Donovan, "and another to actually address it before we all grow extra limbs."
In a rare moment of candor, an EPA official speaking on condition of anonymity admitted: "This is basically what happens when we let foxes guard the henhouse. Except the foxes are chemical companies, the henhouse is your drinking water, and instead of eggs they're stealing your health and future."
For teenagers concerned about inheriting a planet with toxic water, Zeldin offered reassurance: "By the time these regulations kick in, you'll either be rich enough to afford bottled water or too sick to care! That's what we call 'win-win' in Washington."
The EPA's decision continues America's proud tradition of addressing environmental crises decades after they begin and years after corporate profits have been secured – a strategy historically employed with lead paint, asbestos, and climate change.
When pressed on whether delaying regulations until 2031 might lead to increased cancer rates, Administrator Zeldin replied, "We're creating jobs in the oncology sector. You're welcome, America!"
Inspired by this ProPublica article*